


won't you ride on my fast machine?

by ElasticElla



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, Community: 1-million-words, Hitchhiking, M/M, light gore, rape mention, rating is a soft mature
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 01:50:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14631576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElasticElla/pseuds/ElasticElla
Summary: “So? Lovers’ quarrel? Work gone wrong? Bad family barbecue that ended abruptly when you accidentally came out by making a pun about your poor math skills?”“That’s way too specific to not be real,” Ryan accuses.





	won't you ride on my fast machine?

**Author's Note:**

> title from creedence clearwater revival's sweet hitch hiker  
> this started as a response to a road trip prompt, it's kinda before that part but shhh
> 
> there's an end note regarding the rape mention if you want details (~spoilery fyi)

Ryan is having a bad fucking day. His last ride ended up being an overly sweet and matronly mother of six- two children, four cats- and Ryan couldn’t take another mile of her chatter. 

The hot California sun beats down on him, sweat slinking down his neck, and Ryan’s almost beginning to miss tales of Sir Meows-A-Lot. (Much like the namesake, the cat also appreciated buns- though the potato kind that he got into and ate entirely before vomiting up. Ryan hates that he knows this and has now pictured it multiple times in increasingly vivid details.) She had air conditioning at least, even if all the cat hair was nearly triggering an allergic reaction. His backpack is feeling inordinately heavy in the heat, and Ryan needs to take a breather, plopping down on the short highway fence. 

Four cars zoom pass him, and he doesn’t know if it’s more about them avoiding hitchhikers all together, that he’s a dude, or that he’s clearly not white. Or his muscles, he adds to himself with an amused smirk. It was definitely because they were all scared of Ryan Arms Bergara. 

One blessed cloud covers the sun, and Ryan starts walking again, thumb to the road. He doesn’t make it far before the cloud is gone, and his shirt feels tighter than ever, damp sweat stains making him even less likely to be picked up. Ryan sighs as he google maps the nearest rest stop- eleven miles away. Fucking stupid scenic highway. He couldn’t have taken a busier road to L.A. or Disney or-

A brand new corvette slows beside him, the window rolling down to reveal an attractive smiling face, and until he speaks Ryan genuinely thinks it might be a mirage. 

“Howdy there, you need a ride?” 

“Shit yeah, I mean- fuck sorry. Yeah- yes, please.” 

The man laughs, stopping fully and leaning over to open the passenger door. “S’cool, I’m Shane.” 

“Ryan,” he says honestly because he’s a sucker for a pretty face. The air conditioning is an immediate blast of relief, and the car itself still smells new. He tucks his backpack beneath his legs, rubbing his shoulders a bit.

“Ryan,” the man echoes with a smile, smoothly accelerating, and goddamnit. The whole glasses and five o’clock shadow have a teacher’s assistant from that one philosophy class vibe, and he’s already too deep into it. “So what brings you to my side of the highway?” 

He snorts out a laugh, “Oh? Is that so- you own it?” 

Shane grins, his mouth comically huge in a way Ryan should _not_ be thinking about a man he met so recently. “You betcha, 6 point 4 miles of mine.” 

“Not gonna just claim the whole thing?” 

His lips twitch, and he adopts a deeper drawl, “Why now, that’d be mighty greedy of me.” 

Ryan huffs out a laugh, has only known this man for a few minutes and already wants to stay as long as he’ll let him. 

“So? Lovers’ quarrel? Work gone wrong? Bad family barbecue that ended abruptly when you accidentally came out by making a pun about your poor math skills?” 

“That’s way too specific to not be real,” Ryan accuses, and Shane silently raises an eyebrow. 

“Alright, it was a friend fight. It got pretty bad, we both said- well _I_ \- did things I regret. We carpooled so yeah, side of the road for me.” 

Shane whistles low, “That sucks man, sorry.” 

“Yeah… well silver lining, you’re pretty cool.” 

Shane winks, “Here to highlight your life, I’ll be here all week.” 

“Shut the fuck up,” Ryan says, is going to fucking cry if this guy keeps making him laugh. “Do you do comedy or something?” 

“Or something.” 

It’s Ryan’s turn to silently raise an eyebrow, and Shane chuckles at the mimicry. 

“I’m a reviewer, cars mostly. I like to think my blog’s comedic value is what keeps people clicking back but it’s probably the pictures.” 

“Pin-up?” Ryan jokes without thinking, wants to take it back the moment he says it. 

But Shane’s laughing loudly, relief flooding through him. “Shit I should do that. Like make a fucking calendar or something.” He looks over at him, goosebumps tingling up Ryan’s arms not entirely due to the a/c. “You ever model? You’d make a gorgeous July.” 

Ryan pretends to toss his hair, turning his nose up. “I’d make any month gorgeous.” 

Shane licks his lips, and fuck flirting with strangers who pick you up on the side of the road is such a no-no Bergara. “Yeah you would,” Shane agrees, and his traitorous body practically hums in anticipation. 

There’s a loaded silence, and Ryan’s too occupied with it to notice the car slowing down. 

Shane pulls over in a dirt ditch, and Ryan’s heartbeat speeds up, his fingers going for his pocket knife instinctively. 

“What are you doing?” 

Shane smirks, “Well, you know how most people find a way to charge hitchhikers?” 

Ryan sighs, grip on the knife tightening. He should have known there would be a catch. Shane was way too good to be true and now he’d have to-

“But you’re too cute for that, those eyes would haunt me.” 

Ryan’s face scrunches up, “Thanks?” 

He’s almost conflicted- he liked Shane up until now, he really did. But there’s only one thing to do with self-admitted sinners, and Ryan turns around in the seat fast to be facing Shane, brings the knife to his neck. 

“Well that escalated quickly,” Shane says, far too nonchalant for someone with steel against their neck. “Easy now sugar,” he says holding his hands up- and holy fuck there’s a gun in one of them. 

Ryan presses the knife harder, breaks skin, “You were gonna force me? You sick fuck.” 

“What _no_!” Shane yelps, wide eyed. “I’d never do that-” 

“The fuck did you mean by my eyes haunting you then?” 

Shane swallows, a little blood dripping at the movement, “I was gonna kill you, duh Ryan.” 

“For what reason?” Ryan exclaims. 

“For fun obviously kettle, isn’t that why you do it?” 

“What? No!” 

Shane’s grin is all teeth, “Oh no need to play coy now baby. The only hitchhikers that carry big knives like that know how to use them.” 

“I kill _bad_ people, not Joe Shmoe off the road.” 

“Mmm, Joe Shmoe,” Shane fake reminisces, “that was a good one.” 

“You’re terrible,” Ryan says, but it comes out fond because he’s a loser. 

Shane grins, “So what are you, like roadside Dexter? That’s cute.” Shane taps his arm, “Can you let up with the knife now? You’re making me bleed on my favorite shirt.” 

Ryan looks down at the unremarkable red flannel and wants to push the knife in further, “It’ll be fine.” 

“Mhmm.” 

There’s a lull- during which Ryan is drawn into those stupidly pretty eyes again- and Shane breaks it, clearing his throat. 

“We should definitely fuck.” 

“What.” 

“This isn’t all me right?” Shane says, gesturing between them. 

“I- I- you’re a bad person! I _kill_ bad guys, I don’t sleep with them!” 

Shane wriggles his eyebrows, “I bet you could change my ways.” 

“That was terrible, I should slice your throat for that.” 

“And then I shoot you, blah blah blah sadness all around.” 

Ryan huffs, even if it’s true, he doesn’t like any action being so transparent. 

“C’mon,” Shane wheedles, “if you were gonna kill me, you would have done it by now. Or hey, you could do it after.” 

It’s an appealing offer, too appealing- Ryan’s eyes narrow suspiciously, “Is this all a ruse so I let my guard down and move the knife?” 

Shane’s eyes close, his body shaking with silent laughter, and Ryan does ease up on the knife- he’s too soft dammit. 

“How do you survive outside of killing people? You’re so paranoid.” 

Ryan’s tempted to throw something in Shane’s face about him maybe gaslighting him and this still being part of an elaborate ruse, but that’s beginning to sound ridiculous in his own head. (Meaning it’s definitely a wild theory at best, one not to be spoken of.) 

Ryan wets his lips, “I’m not having sex with you.” 

“Mkay. You gonna keep the blade on me kinky?” 

Ryan rolls his eyes, and plucking the gun out of Shane’s hand- a little startled that the man allows it- tosses both weapons into the backseat. 

Shane grins, “If I say there’s a second pistol on my body, you gonna search me?” 

Ryan shakes his head, all disbelief and amusement. And before Shane can make another terrible pick up line or pun, Ryan kisses him. It’s an awkward angle, and he scrambles over the center console to get into Shane’s lap, whacking his head a few times on the ceiling. There’s stars everywhere, and Shane’s hands are huge, running up and down his back. Ryan has to take a moment, breaking the kiss, the air conditioning not nearly enough to counteract all the heat flowing through his body, screaming to just push Shane down and ride him to-

Shane sighs dramatically, “And this model was doing so well. I’m gonna have to put that in the review.” 

“What?” Ryan asks breathlessly, still getting his bearings. 

“Not enough head room,” he grins suddenly, and Ryan already knows where his mind has gone before he opens his big mouth. 

“I’m not helping you prove that one.” 

Shane pouts, lips twitching, unable to hold it. “Fine. Should you change your mind about me blowing you to establish if there is indeed enough head space-”

“How long do you have this car?” Ryan interrupts, playing with Shane’s hair. It’s softer than he expected, sliding his fingers up the back of his neck. 

“A week.” 

“Good. That sounds like a second date.” 

Shane beams up at him, “And to think, you were gonna kill me not even ten minutes ago.” 

“We can put that offer back on the table,” Ryan says, rolling his eyes. 

Shane grins, “Nah. You like me, like-like me even.” 

“Oh god,” Ryan mutters, and he kisses him again, swallowing Shane’s words.

**Author's Note:**

> rape mention: ryan misconstrues something shane says and thinks he was planning on assaulting him (which he was not), it's a moment that's resolved quickly
> 
> .
> 
> clearly inspired by that tumblr post about a serial killer that always picks up their victims & a serial killer that hitchhikes (their eyes met as they both went for the knife) #bless


End file.
